Well, for those of you who did not know, I suffered my second Heart Attack last Sunday April 5, 2009. This one was a bit more severe than the last one and I lost 20% of my hearts function this go round. The frustrating thing is that there is nothing the Dr's can do to repair the problems that remain, so I just wait for the next infarction and hope that I live through it.
I must admit this has me thinking alot about death, its closeness and what I will leave behind at the end. Its a waste of time for regrets but I must admit myself disappointed. I always had this dream of being a mighty, world changing servant of Jesus Christ. I always believed the talents given me, were given for a reason. I always deluded myself into thinking that God was saving me for a special ministry where I could have an impact and change lives for the better. Well the end seems frighteningly close and none of my dreams have come true. I wonder now if my dreams were truly for him or if it was in my pride that I expected to be or do something great. I'm afraid it is the latter.
Its funny how we think so highly of ourselves and can never get our hands around that whole servant idea. We live every moment in this constant battle between his will and our own. In most cases, we win. Well atleast I have.
I received a phone call a few days ago that change my mind a bit. I won't go into details about who it was, but the subject matter is what is important. He told me that he missed the days when I was his acting youth minister. He said those were great days and that it had had a tremendous impact on his life. He missed those days and longed to relive them almost every day of his life. Like a lightening strike, I realized, I was living my dream my whole life. As I was looking for this grand expanse of my accomplishments, I was missing in the moment the impact I was having. Is it so wrong to only impact one life for good? Is it wrong to work in obscurity ministering to the individual instead of the masses? Unfortunately it is to late to relive those years of some 20 years ago and I must go forward from here. I pray for God's forgiveness for my pride and arrogance! No life is wasted unless we choose to look at it as such. Yes I wasted alot of opportunities and I could have done so much more. But I will not allow my pride to think that I have wasted my life anymore!
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